what you like
There should be a dating app built around that thing Rob says in High Fidelity about romantic/dating compatibility being more about what you like than what you are like. The older I get, the more I realize that while long-term compatibility is about complementary qualities and shared values, the "what you like" thing is still so, so big, and oftentimes the "shared values" piece emanates from the "shared interests" piece.
Every time a friend of mine talks about the problems they're having with the people they're in relationships with (or dating), it always comes down to something like this:
I want to go out and do stuff and he wants to sit on the couch.
I want to travel to cultural capitals and she wants sun and sand.
These are dreamed-up examples but you get what I mean.
This post isn't about dating, it's about compatibility — and not just within the context of one person's romantic compatibility with another person.
Compatibility and fit quietly define our lives. Within a work context, being a "good fit" is so important but so hard to define. I've worked with people who were smart and capable but a bad fit for what we were doing. I've also been the bad fit. One particular example was when I brought a very intense, aggressive style to a project that didn't require it. Instead of motivating my people, I scared them. Looking back on this with clear eyes was a tough thing to do, because no one wants to think of themselves as a problem, but we all are, sometimes.
Anyway this isn't about work and it isn't about me. It's about how a lot of life is about being part of a group -— friend circles, work colleagues, rec league teammates, regulars at a bar, etc. —- and the people who decide if you fit in those groups have ever-changing criteria. What makes you fit today might make you not fit in a year, because things are always changing. The inverse is also true; you may not think you fit with a given group anymore and make efforts to extricate yourself.
In short, if you're the one determining whether or not someone fits, maybe think a bit about what that means, and think about broadening it. There are lots of different ways to fit.
If you are the one trying to fit in, think about the same things. How can you position yourself to be what that group needs? What parts of your personality might you want to turn down in order to do that without pretending to be someone or something else? How does the need to fit in or otherwise associate or affiliate affect your individuality and personhood?